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love is just a bunch of journal entries a poem 

by Ava Lonergan

01.30.13 – upon meeting we were like a rollercoaster, friends one minute and arguing the next

04.15.13 – he’s very hard to break into. he’s incredibly good at breaking into other people

04.16.13 – i felt like he was staring at me for most of the time i was trying to eat

04.19.13 – checking to see if he’s responded and checking to see if he’s online

04.22.13 – that convo was an hour or two long

04.27.13 – as long as there is a make-out or some kind of affirmation that he’s interested

04.30.13 – we were still texting on and off till 4am

05.07.13 – i took a sip of water and turned to him, and the kiss just happened naturally

05.10.13 – i asked him what he worries about and he said being alone

05.14.13 – last night we stayed up till 2 watching a movie on the Lifetime Movie Network

06.05.13 – even though we didn’t hook up and i was pissed he slept in till 3:30pm

06.09.13 – i tried to sit down and write him a letter in an attempt to get him out of my system

06.11.13 – he has let me down and i have not managed to meet any other option

01.04.14 – whatever is between us is not over yet

01.07.14 – and I said yes, he’s in my head. he’s in Qatar, studying abroad this semester

01.12.14 – i spend so much time daydreaming, coming up with the things i want to say to him

01.25.14 – as friends or as two people who have an undeniable connection and are willing to try

02.16.14 – playing this game with him, with no end in sight

03.10.14 – maybe i’ll have to actively meditate him out of my mind

08.09.14 – on Thursday night he got really drunk and told me he loves me

09.24.14 – he and E are totally different people, and i say that mostly in a good way

09.03.15 – another dream was that i was hanging out with him the entire time

12.28.15 – thinking about writing him another letter that i swear i won’t send

12.31.15 – maybe in 2016 i can break my bad habits: chewing my fingers, thinking about him

01.03.16 – E and i had sex after the movie and i kept thinking about him the entire time

01.04.16 – seems to have a clear message but coming from him could mean any # of things

01.05.16 – it’s kind of helpful to know he’s still weird about communicating

01.06.16 – i was starting to feel fine until he sent me that stupid stupid song

01.07.16 – i am still currently hating him

01.09.16 – this is why i feel like my life is in retrograde (who gives a fuck about mercury)

01.10.16 – i said “i hate you.” and he stared at me, not sure how to respond

01.12.16 – i would love to be with him this summer, to let it play out and see what happens

01.14.16 – feeling regretful in the same way i did when i hung out with him

01.15.16 – i’m still feeling conflicted about him

01.16.16 – there’s not really much to talk about... just rehashed details and thoughts

01.17.16 – haven’t been able to find a song that says what i want it to say perfectly

01.18.16 – the intimacy of these dreams is what gets to me

01.29.16 – hopefully tonight we can get past the staring contest and on to the actual talking

01.30.16 – i kind of hoped he would come back and sleep on the couch w/ me

01.31.16 – i think whatever that tension is that keeps bringing us together will continue to do so

03.05.16 – why do i have to be so hard on him, especially from 60 miles away?

07.03.16 – i imagine he’s out of it because his girlfriend leaves for Vietnam soon

07.14.16 – had sex w/ him for the first time

07.23.16 – he was handing it over to me and rested his hand on my knee—briefly, but noticeably

10.23.16 – he obviously didn’t care about me or respect me

10.30.16 – annoyed at him but what else is new

11.04.16 – realizing i never got pizza i never told him i love him and i’ll be hungry again soon

11.08.16 – i want to say i love you i love you i might never not love you

11.28.16 – at which point i realize the futility of the situation 

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